Sunday, March 24, 2013

Another flashback! The Viva Las Vegas Mini-guide.

My friend Liz wrote this tidbit in 2007. I think it is so brilliant, I need to read and share it every year on Facebook. I've done a few alterations to keep it modern, as it was written when VLV was still at the Gold Coast instead of the Orleans, where it moved in 2008 or 2009. 

Here is a little gem that captures the spirit and should put a smile on your face....

Viva Las Vegas Mini Guide

So I suck and have slacked totally on this year's Vegas guide.. I really don't even really have time to be writing this one but in a nutshell let's see what I can do...

Mission Statement:
For all of those who say that Vegas is lame due to the lack of a good line-up or that it's too much of a fashion show, you are doing it wrong. Vegas is not about bands or being the fanciest (well I'll get to that in a second). Vegas is about excessive drinking, whoring and causing trouble in the most sinful city in the US. Period.

Alright. Let me just get this out of the way. I will keep the rules as simple as possible as I do this every year and if you don't know by now, you deserve our mocking.

1. Just because it zips, don't mean it fits: Year after year, we scream this, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears. Just because you wiggled your fat ass into it, doesn't mean it looks good. And once again, if you have massive cellulite issues, PUT THE PLAYSUIT DOWN. I swear to IPU, I'm gonna start egging any fucking girl who doesn't belong in a playsuit who is strutting around the car show. And I'm tired of saying this and it seems retarded that I have to reiterate this but I have nothing against the larger people of my gender, I AM ONE! However, you're not gonna see me in a playsuit or anything else that exposes my flaws to the world.

2. Just because it's vintage, doesn't mean it's cute. Leave the polyester paisley dress at the Goodwill please.

3. Repro: I like repro just because I'm sick of vintage clothes falling apart, but be forewarned that hundreds of other girls bought that stop staring dress, you better be damned sure you look better in it and don't mind wearing the same outfit.

4. Flames, cherries, etc.. Do I have to? really.. come now.. use your head

5. Shoes: I heart shoes. They are awesome. Vegas destroys your feet, both boys and girls. Make sure you have some sorta comfy shoes you can put on after the blood starts gathering around your toes. If however I see you in flip-flops and you are not on your way down to the pool, I reserve the right to step on your ugly feet.

6. Guys: For fuck's sake, look at all the women dressing up around you, do them a favor and put on something besides a wife beater and jeans, you trashy fuck.

7. Mr. & Mrs. I am wearing vintage down to my underwear and you are lame because you are not, BITE ME. Wear whatever the fuck you want. Just do it with a sense of style please. I don't give a rat's ass that you spent 500 dollars on your Hawaiian dress, if I wore something like that I'd either puke on it or it would get ripped by some European guy getting me naked, so enjoy being uncomfortable.

Vegas Ass:
*disclaimer* I do not encourage those who come to Vegas with or without their significant others to Vegas to cheat. People make their own drunken decisions. And remember, what happens in Vegas, gets posted on Facebook.

-Finding that special someone:
So there are a few levels of Vegas ass... they vary depending on timing, day of the week, amount of drunkeness, how attractive you yourself are, luck, etc... so general guidelines (all rules subject to change):

Thursday: Use that as your general scouting night. Unless you are a veteran, chances are you might get stuck with someone for the whole weekend and you might find a higher quality Friday or Saturday.

Friday night: This is when the best quality ass will be found. Make yourself available. As we learned the hard way in 05, don't wolf pack. Traveling around with a group of extremely hot girls will get you noticed but not get you laid. Boys are pussies and are intimidated by large groups of women.

Carshow: Good place to scout and get free drinks. Be wary of the guys taking pics of every car tramp they see. There's something better.

Downstairs bars: The chances of you getting some are increased by hanging out at the bars downstairs. Better chance to talk and people are usually going back and forth. And plus, chances are that is where you will find my group. We like this area as it's close to liquor and in between stuff. We are also not shy and are good at getting people laid.

Room parties: Amazing scoring territory. It's much easier to pick a pony out of a room of 20 people then it is a room of hundreds. Don't know the people at the party? Carry a bottle of liquor with you, they'll invite you in, especially if you are a girl and have boobs. Boobs get you many things and can be exchanged for goods and services.

Sunday Night: Anything goes. Pretty easy to get some on Sunday as it's last ditch effort time. You'd be surprised at what you come up with sometimes though. I've had some amazing Sunday nights.
If you're taken: If you significant other is there, make sure you and your roomie have something worked out to avoid the embarrassing incident of them showing up to your room. Strangers, stick with strangers, our world is very very small and chances are you know everyone in some way but I'd try to target people who live on the opposite coast at least.

Stop talking: This is mainly for the dumb boys (although I'm sure it can be applied to a female or two).. Just shhh.. shhh.. tell me I'm pretty, buy me a drink. Really don't need or care enough to hear your philosphy on life. We can talk about that afterwards if you haven't been thrown out of the room yet.

Foreigners: Viva la Germans! and all others who don't speak English well. You are adorable and usually make for good casual encounters.

Other general rules:
-Security: For the most part on Friday and Saturday, security is gonna let you get away with a LOT. There are too many people for them to enforce much. Sunday be on the lookout. By then they are tired of our shit and enough people have gone home, that they begin to enforce the rules. Still leniant but you gotta be careful and you're having sex in the bathroom, have someone guard the door unless you want to be escorted to your room by five security guards (that didn't happen to me, honest, I wish I could claim that honor. Security chapter I salute you and will do my best to live up to your name this year)

-Booze: When you get there, by the boot. Then buy your liquor in the downstairs gift lobby or in a liquor store around Vegas. Much cheaper. Also, remember they give you free drinks when you're gambling. And worse comes to worse, look for Kelly. He'll be standing by some bar giving out shots to people who proclaim their love for him so remember the the words "I love Kel." (Sadly for us, Kelly got married and we are deprived of his company now)

-Double Down: Try and get out there at least once. It's my favorite bar in Vegas. They have tried to duplicate it here but it's not the same. Make sure you ride the pony and get a shot of Ass Juice.. not at the same time though..
Sunscreen: it's Vegas. You are pasty from living in the land of Winter. Use your judgement and don't forget your cleavage.
-Food: I have heard they closed the downstairs Terrible Mike's. That makes me sad. I think there is still one at the bowling alley (good place for nachos and pizza). Also cheap ass hot dogs by the bettting tracks downstairs. And splurge on the buffet once or twice but bring a big purse and take stuff up to your room for later. Bloody Mary's count as meals and remember: food doesn't get you drunk (usually)
Holly and I at VLV last year


Miss Rascal said...

OMG! This really cheered me up!
This should be rules for Hemsby, Rave, High and Screamin' too! said...

I love that you posted a pic of me after those classic Viva guidelines! Even though it was written many years ago they still hold true. Can't wait to see you there!!!

Mar said...

F*>% yeah!!!! Kim's going! Whooooo!!!! Okay, got that out of my system. :-D

Totally excited you're going to be there and thanks for the blog shout. Wanted those seahorse earrings you listed but some lucky chick beat me to the punch! :(

You have to stop by and say hi!!!

365 Vintage Days said...

I just love your VLV Guide!


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